I have a priority package from the NATSAT printing room.
Why don´t you say it a little louder?
Open the window and shout it towards Moscow.
- Sorry, I... - It´s not your fault you´re stupid.
Just open the case and get out of here.
It´s chained to my wrist and security dispatch has the key.
Well, then leave the material, take the case and wait outside.
No can do, sir. The material is locked to the interior of the case.
All right. Just give it to me.
Get in the closet.
Hi-Weather lV transmitted this an hour ago.
Beautiful close-ups.
Miegs and Sline will drool.
They´re late again. Unusual for soldiers.
They know what they´re doing.
Gentlemen.
There they are.
Those the shots from the latest flyby?
They´re over here, General.
Wait. There´s someone in this closet?
- Ignore him. - He´s just one of our couriers.
Oh. OK.
Nice close-ups.
Definitely approaching full-go hour.
I´ve greased the House Committee for Covert Appropriations.
They think the funds are for more stealth bombers.
We´ve selected two GLG-20s. They´re the best men we have.
The last two were the best men we had.
Now they´re the two best dead men we have.
There´s a security leak in your training programme.
- Well, we could bypass training. - No, you´ll go through training.
But with four other GLG-20s.
Two who are responsible for the project and two who are... disposable.
You suggest we assign this job to inferior personnel?
No, no, I understand.
Two teams.
One to do the job, the other to be a diversion.
- You mean decoys? Targets? - Exactly.
GLG-20s don´t exactly grow on trees.
I´d hate to waste two of them as targets.
I´m sure you can find a couple of men you won´t mind wasting.
- Aren´t you taking this test tomorrow? - The Foreign Service Board? Yeah, sure.
Don´t you have to study?
No. Are you kiddin´?
l know the FSB exam class backwards.
l´ve taken it three times.
But it´s supposed to be all different this year.
Five hundred questions in two hours.
Let me see the booklet.
Look at these samples. All multiple choice. lt´s easy.
Here.
"lf discovered appropriating classified documents at a foreign consulate,
you should A: express concern,
B: act surprised,
O: deny everything
and D: all three.´´
The answer is "D: all three".
lt´s common sense stuff.
l guess you don´t want advancement bad enough.
My granddad was an envoy, my dad was an envoy.
l was born into the trade.
Besides, I´ve arranged for an intimate lunch meeting with our supervisor.
Fitz, you have to take that test.
I´m very hurt that that´s why you invited me over here.
Come on, don´t do that, Alice.
I´m sorry, I´m not myself.
I saw my neurologist this morning and he´s...
You´re not gonna give me some bullshit that you´re dying, are you?
No.
Not now.
Millbarge.
Where is the brain for the Scram-Jam 8,000?
- Procurement picked it up an hour ago. - Was it fixed?
- New voice scramblers and everything. - Oh.
What about that Red Chinese radio chatter?
It’s done.
- Here you go. - Done?
lt was a static-filled, triple-scrambled transmission
between two soldiers talking in Mandarin.
The Chinese were only using a simple, polyphonetic, 20-digit key
transposed in booster verdonic form with multiple nulls.
l broke it with this.
A Drogen´s decoder wheel?
They put these things into cereal boxes for kids.
Yeah. l found it in a box of, uh...
...Lucky Charms.
Break it down again with the machines.
l already did.
Well, then... Olean up the desk!
Good. That´s much better.
Oh, yeah. By the way, good luck on the test tomorrow.
- Test? What test? - The Foreign Service Board Exams.
- Good luck. - Foreign Service Boards? Tomorrow?
l can´t tomorrow. l haven´t studied. l´m not prepared.
Well, you were bumped up on the list.
You´re scheduled for tomorrow morning.
l´m, uh... l´m sure l told you.
This is dated two weeks ago.
You planned this.
You want me to fail that test,
so that you can keep me down here doing your work for you.
You just watch your mouth, mister.
This department´s laying off civilians left and right.
- Where are you going? - Home. To study.
One night studying for a grade-19 FSB exam?
- Good luck. - Listen, Captain.
I´m going to pass that exam and I´m going to get out of this hole
and do some really important work for national security.
Yeah, sure.
I was going to do your family a favour
and hook up the Disney Channel for free.
Well, forget it.
Ladies and gentlemen, as of this afternoon,
the Undersecretary for South American Affairs denies
any and all intervention
in the current realignment of top positions in the Paraguayan air force.
Thank you very much.
What about the Paraguayan army´s request for spraying subsidies?
Are there any Paraguayans here? No?
Well, their request for subsidies
was not, uh, Paraguayan, as it were.
The United States government would never...
Our president had not. As far as l know, that´s how it will always be. Clear?
How can you say we aren´t spending millions on spraying
when the lnternational Wheat Board has reported:
"Extensive contamination in the grain fields of Argentina"?
The State... Ever... The...
This... microphone´s...
...cutting out on us. l´m awfully sorry.
However... wh... see...
...unch date. l must go.
These examinations are qualifiers
for positions in the intelligence sections
of our embassies overseas.
The nature of your postings will be secret.
Now, secret work can be very risky.
l cite, as an example, what happened to one of our greatest Americans.
Not yet!
Oh! l´m sorry. Excuse me.
- l´m sorry. - My fault.
Uh...
l´m sorry l´m late. l had to attend the reading of a will.
l had to stay till the very end, when l found out l received nothing.
Broke my arm.
Oh, uh, could you hold my wallet while l take the test, please?
There´s a thousand dollars in there.
Or maybe there isn´t. Know what l mean?
Are you saying l can take this money if l help you pass the test?
What do you think?
Thank you.
- So, where do l, uh...? - Sit down!
You may begin... now.
Excuse me.
- Thank you. - You´re welcome.
God! The pressure! [sobbing] l can´t take it!
l can´t take it!
l can´t! l can´t do it!
l can´t... What page? Oh, God, yeah...
This is Emmett Fitz-Hume.
He´s an information officer at State,
started there in ´7 4 as a mail boy.
His father got him his job.
This is Austin Millbarge.
He´s a repair supervisor in DlA´s code-breaking arm of the Pentagon.
Wiggled into supervisors´ pay through an F-section.
His last job before joining Defence was fixing office copiers.
He´s good with hardware.
He´s got some Russian.
- Want to see their test scores? - What the hell for?
They´re a couple of absolutely self-involved bullshit artists
who got caught cheating on a departmental exam.
They´ll do anything to save their jobs.
One´s got basic diplomacy skills.
The other´s a code-breaker with language ability.
l believe we found our decoys.
Ahhl
l... l... Heart attack
Hey, can l borrow your pen?
Everybody please stand back.
l am a trained cardiovascular respiratory emergency assist technician.
l want all of you to stand back. This man needs air.
in fact, you should leave the room...
Well?
What are we gonna get? Dismissal? Suspension?
Censure? Departmental prosecution? What?
Promotion.
- What? - That´s right.
We like what we´ve seen in you two guys.
We´re bucking you right up front to gathering.
Level 20.
Gathering? Level 20?
- That´s quite a step up in base pay. - You mean we´re not in trouble?
We´re not recruiting with the Boy Scouts.
We want people who are aggressive,
who know how to go after that little edge you need to survive.
And we especially like the way you two guys were working as a team in there.
Now, if you feel you can work together...
...you´re on your way up.
We´ve got a special assignment for you.
- Foreign Service? - Yes.
- Undercover work? - Yes.
- Emmett Fitz-Hume. - Austin Millbarge.
- When do we begin our training? - Right away.
Oh, boy.
We´re just hitching a ride. They won´t make us jump.
- No chance. We won´t have to jump. - Ah...
All right, sky troopers.
Let´s go! Let´s go!
Go? What does he mean, go?
- Uh! - Come on, you can´t do this!
What are you doing? Ah!
Fitz-Hume? Hey! Ah!
Help! Help!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Whoa. Ah!
Ow! Ooh!
Hey! Hey!
Where are we?
l don´t know. l wasn´t watching. l lost everything at 7,000 feet.
Did you hear that?
Yeah. lt´s a dickfer.
- What´s a dickfer? - To pee with.
Was that me?
We need a plan.
Let´s play dead.
- Come on, super-spy. Think. - You´re the diplomat. Talk to them.
All right. Stop right there,
and l´ll bring back the sun.
OK?
This is my sister. You can all have her.
l hear she´s very good.
Take another step and l start swingin´.
Hear that? He´s threatening you. Let´s get him.
Show some balls.
lt´s too late to try and impress them.
That´s enough.
- Austin Millbarge? - Here, sir.
- Emmett Fitz-Hume? - Hello.
Sir.
Colonel Rhombus, Special Projects Training.
We´ve been expecting you.
Uh, excuse me, sir, but, uh, what was all this, uh...
- That´s how l welcome new trainees. - What´s wrong with a handshake?
lt´s my job to get you prepared to go out into the field for combat.
l must know right away what l´ve got to work with.
l have made my decision.
- What´s it say? - Pussy.
No fair. All these guys had swords. What are we supposed to do?
lt depends on your particular arena of combat.
Maybe this.
l´ll take you back to the base.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...
The obstacle course.
lt is, essentially, the course familiar to recruits,
except that here, in lntelligence Training,
we do it a bit differently.
We add the element of scorched earth.
This is your standard bog-negotiation trial.
You will be judged on survivability and time.
Enter now.
Ow! Ow! Oh!
Heads down!
This will verify your ability to stay afloat at high speeds.
We´ll now begin with AFPSR:
Air Force Passive Strain Response.
You will not be required to exert yourself at all,
only to survive aggravated body temperature measurement.
Whoa!
Oooh! Ow! Ow!
Oooh! That´s hot. Hot! Hot!
We will now determine your G-force threshold.
Just relax, gentlemen.
l guess we just sit here?
Piece of cake.
- You want some coffee? - That´s a good idea. Yeah.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...
Colonel? We were just talking and, uh,
we´ve had loads of fun here, and...
We met friends, and wasn´t that a great lunch?
Yeah, the tuna and cream casserole was beautiful.
We were just talking and we´d like to go home now.
So thanks for the bruises and you can keep the stool samples.
Boys, it´d be a shame to have to kill you now.
What did he mean by that?
lt means we´re O-l-O.
- What´s that? - Obligated involuntary Officers.
Gentlemen, begin radical vertical impact simulation. Now.
Come in.
You wanted to see us, sir?
Sit.
Congratulations, men.
You´re about to enter the operational phase of your assignment.
l am not authorised to give you the full operational package,
but the location of your drop will be inside the borders of Pakistan.
Pakistan?
Is one of these people our contact?
OK.
Who led the American League in home runs in 1½953?
l´ll handle this.
- What´s he doing? - lt´s their way of saying hello.
Hello. l´m Austin.
Hi. Bud Schnelker, liaison office.
US Consulate, Karâchi.
Rob Hodges, DlA, West Asian Section.
Welcome to Pakistan.
You don´t know how glad we are to see you.
- When´s lunch? - Come on, Jeep´s over here.
l am starving. What time you got?
Hey, listen, can we stop?
- What´s the matter? - l gotta take a leak.
- You should go too. - What are you, my mother?
l´m capable of determining my time to go to the bathroom.
So? lsn´t now one of those times?
No!
You don´t feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on your bladder?
Now? Right at this moment?
No. l´m fine.
Wouldn´t you feel more comfortable being relieved of any excess fluids
that might be building up immediately, now?
l gotta take a whiz?
- Don´t go away. - Oh, we´ll be here.
These guys are not our contacts.
These guys are KGB Special Branch.
- Oh, come on. - That was a Russian wristwatch.
l know the country of origin of every timepiece.
That was a Russian copy of a 1½969 Timex digital.
What is this? Some kind of hobby?
Basic. Most common slip-up. We´ve walked right into enemy hands.
- Hi. - lf you do know your final objective,
you´d be smart to tell us. We could work things out quicker for you.
Like he said, uh, we still don´t know.
You know what they say about this type of operation...
Feet! Hat!
Come on, come on!
They sure had me fooled.
The Soviets obviously know we´re here now.
- Where to, boss? - First, check our gasoline supply.
- OK. How´s our gasoline supply? - Eight five-gallon cans.
- That enough to get us to an airport? - l hope so.
We´ll drive in shifts. One will drive, the other will sleep.
OK. l´ll drive, you sleep.
- Wake me when you get tired. - OK.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Night. - Night.
Sleep tight.
- Thanks. - Don´t let the bedbugs bite.
- OK. - Night.
Good morning.
Is there an airport near here?
Austin. Your turn to drive.
These are the Yusefsi They´re Afghani freedom fighters.
- They´re our allies. - Oh.
We´re Americans.
Dr Hadley.
Oh, my God.
What do you think you´re doing? [speaking foreign language]
Sorry about this. They´re very distrustful of outsiders.
- No problem. - Khan, get your men to cut them down.
- Who are you? - Oh, sorry.
Hadley. London College of Medicine.
They allow us cos we help the wounded. They didn´t know you´re with the effort.
- With who? - The United Nations medical effort.
- Are you Dr Trobridge and Greenberg? - Doctors?
- Yeah. - That´s us, doctors.
- l´m Dr Trobridge and this is... - Greenbaum.
- Berg. - Greenbaum-Berg. We´re doctors.
Everybody looks fine, what do you say?
Yes, doctor.
Uh, stick your tongue out, please.
Everything´s fine.
l guess we´ll be heading back to the old UN.
We´ll let them know what a good job you´re doing.
Ah, the American sense of humour.
Come on. The others are anxious to meet you.
Have we received the shipment of penicillin yet?
Not yet, no.
Possibly tomorrow.
Ah. Here we are. Dr Hadley, internal medicine.
Dr La Fong, communicable diseases.
Dr Boyer, bacteriology.
Doctors Stinston, Marston and Gill of the Northampton Trauma lnstitute.
And Dr lmhaus of the Zürich Relief Fund.
These are our new surgeons, Dr Trobridge and Greenbaum.
- Doctor. - Doctor.
- And doctor. - Well, we miss anyone?
Why don´t you relax?
The tribe´s planning a raid on a Soviet tank division tomorrow.
They´ll be plenty for us to do then.
Doctors.
- Doctor. - Doctor.
Doctor.
- Doctor. - Doctor.
Doctor.
We´re not doctors. We´ve got to get out of this place immediately.
- No. Now... Not until l´ve had... - Excuse me.
...her.
- Am l interrupting? - Not at all. He was on his way out.
What happens when the real Brownbridge and Greenbridge come?
- Hi. - Dr Trobridge.
Where? Oh! Right.
- Make yourself comfortable. Sit down. - Thank you.
What can l do for you?
Dr Trobridge...
- May l call you Homer? - Why?
- That´s your name. - Oh! Right.
Homer. Of course.
- What´s your name? - Karen.
Karen.
Dr Trobridge,
Homer,
when you walked into this tent it was the most exciting moment of my life.
- Well, you just wait. - You´re a hero of mine.
l´ve read all your papers.
How´d you get my papers? Oh, you mean my medical papers. Right.
- Are you making fun of me? - Oh, Karen, our first fight.
You might think l´m silly to worship you,
but in my estimation, you´re a genius.
Well, genius is a pretty strong word.
But if you insist on using it, l can handle it.
in fact, l hesitate to mention my problem.
lt´s a task hardly worthy of your abilities.
Mention it. There´s nothing l wouldn´t do for you.
lt´s The Khan´s brother.
He´s been suffering from pain in the lower abdomen.
- Obviously, an inflamed appendix. - Obviously.
Dr Hadley was going to remove it, but now that you´re here...
l mean, just to see you perform even the most simple surgery
would be one of the great thrills of my life.
Uh... l´d rather not. l don´t have my instruments with me.
You can use Dr Hadley´s.
Please, Homer.
The Khan´s brother is being prepped now.
lf you refuse, The Khan will lose faith in you...
...and us.
The consequences could be severe.
l see. Well...
The truth is, l am a great surgeon.
But alas, l recently suffered severe nerve damage in my left hand.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
Look at that.
No feeling at all.
Dead.
How did that happen?
l was lifting a car off a child. lt was a big car, Oadillac.
l´m so disappointed.
And The Khan. He´ll be very suspicious.
- My God. - Oh. There, there, there, there.
You know, actually l could operate without my hands.
Dr Greenbaum could be my hands. l´d tell him what to do and he´d do it for me.
You´d get a chance to see me in action.
That would be wonderful.
Of course, after l guide Dr Greenbaum through an operation,
l get very depressed that l couldn´t do it myself.
lt´s a very bad time for me.
Don´t you worry. l´ll be with you.
Give me a break.
- About an hour? - Fine, an hour.
Thank you.
- Bye. - Bye.
You´re good with tools? lnstruments?
What? You kidding? You´re talking to Millbarge.
You want something converted, modified?
You´re talking to Mr Hands.
Ah! Mind if l play through?
Doctor. Doctor.
Glad l´m not sick.
lf anything happens to him, my people will be angry.
To die in battle is glorious.
To die in a tent is disgrace.
And with that, l give you Dr Julius Greenbaum.
Thank you, doctor.
l´ll just step out for a smoke.
Perhaps l´ll stay here.
Today we will be removing the patient´s appendix.
The first step in an operation of this particular type is...
...to shave the patient.
Nah. Forget it. Get on with it.
We´ll skip the shave and go directly to the operation.
The second step in an operation of this type is...
...anaesthetic.
Oan´t you tell he´s been given the required injection of Pentothal?
Of course. He´s already been given the required...
...in... jections.
All right. Let us begin the operation.
[clanging]
Thank you, doctor.
And now, the first incision.
Doctor, isn´t that incision a bit high for an appendix?
Do you want to do the operation? Fine. You come up here and you do it.
- lmhaus. - He was cutting into his chest!
Did you see me cut his chest? Did l cut his chest?
l was probing to determine muscle tone and skeletal girth.
lt´s a new technique.
- We mock what we don´t understand. - Yeah.
Go ahead, will ya? l´m getting hungry.
And now, the first incision.
And now, l will incise.
Out the sucker.
This man is dead.
Excuse us.
Thank you.
Whoa!
Ah! Hey!
Ah! Ah!
Get away. Let me do it.
My head! My head!
Help... me!
Let go.
The drive-in is closed.
We´re with the Ace Tomato Oompany.
All this cloak and dagger stuff. The military love it.
Ohrist, will you look at this place.
- Mr Ruby. - Sir.
- Mr Keyes. - Yes, sir.
Won´t you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
Two Pepsis to go.
Now what?
´´Why don´t you gentlemen have a Pepsi?´´
You do it.
This way, gentlemen.
Welcome to W.A.M.P.
- General Sline, sir. - Yes, Sergeant?
A collect call from Pakistan for Mr Ruby from Mr Fitz-Hume.
What?
Uh, folks, sorry. We´ll just be another minute.
Thanks for your patience.
lt´s person-to-person. Oollect.
They said their contacts tried to kill them.
And they told you this over a public phone?
No, sir. The AT&T operator told our operator.
- They´re insane. - And apparently, roaming free.
He´s on line seven, sir.
- Get us the hell out of here! - Everything´s under control.
Hold on, one moment.
The longer we keep them out in the field,
the more heat we can draw away from the real team.
l agree.
Let´s send them over the border.
- How do they get there? - That´s their problem.
Hello. Gentlemen.
Listen, we are organising a rescue operation for you.
For after you´ve reached your final objective.
What is our final objective?
lnformation like that is on a need-to-know basis only.
At this particular time, you do not need to know.
However, we can tell you
to make immediately for the Soviet Pamir district.
Wait for your next contact on the road to Dushanbe.
The road to Dushanbe?
You practically told them the strike zone.
Even if they make it there at all, they´ll be plucked by Soviet infantry.
The road to Dushanbe is a heavily-travelled military artery.
l guess that takes care of that.
We must make no mistakes this time.
Our whole way of life hangs in the balance, gentlemen.
Pamir? Dushanbe? Are you sure that´s what he said?
Right.
- Those places are in Russia? - And how.
- [speaking foreign language] - No, l´ve eaten.
How can we get there? lt must be 1½ ,000 miles from here.
lf this is the Lower Kohistan District,
we´re only about 1½50 miles from the Soviet border.
You would have to know that.
Wait a minute. Soviet border? How do we get across the Soviet border?
We don´t shave.
Sell the ambulance. Sell our clothes.
Go native.
How far do we have to go on this bus?
As far as it takes us.
Hey, look, it´s Dr Boyer.
She´s the last person we want to see.
No! She´s nice.
- What´s this? The border? - No, toll stop.
Hopefully there won´t be any guard posts where we cross.
Look. Dr Boyer.
Leave it alone.
l left without saying goodbye. Oan you forgive me?
Where are you going? You can´t deny what happened between us.
Don´t touch me.
Oome on.
Yah!
Don´t touch me.
Look at this. This is really neat.
She lets a little thing like death get in the way of romance.
They couldn´t have done any better than we did. They aren´t doctors.
- What do you mean? - That metal case she had on her horse.
- What? - lt´s a Satscrambler terminal.
lt´s a system for sending, scrambling and receiving satellite messages.
So? She´s a sophisticated woman.
lt´s a highly-classified piece of intelligence hardware.
So? She´s a high-class intelligent piece.
Oome on. Knock it off.
What are you saying?
That they´re spies like us?
They´re spies, but not necessarily on our side.
l think it´s our duty as American operatives
to follow her and find out what she´s up to.
- You just want to follow her. - No.
You´re thinking with your dick.
They left their Land Rover. They´re probably headed right for the border.
lt´d save us a lot of trouble.
They do seem to be headed in that general direction.
- Maybe your dick´s not so dumb. - lt got me through high school.
Do you think those men are following us?
They´re most likely nomads. Not to worry.
Did you say ´´sit´´?
l didn´t say ´´sit´´.
- Did you say ´´sit´´? - No, l didn´t say ´´sit´´.
Now what?
l guess we walk.
Why do we have to carry all this stuff?
The Dushanbe Road runs across the top of the Pamir Mountains.
There could be sub-Arctic temperatures up there. You´ll thank me.
´´You´ll thank me.´´
That´s it, the Dushanbe Road,
where we´re supposed to meet our contacts.
Oh.
Only insofar as it would serve to confirm the president´s own beliefs.
This is quite an exciting project you got here, General.
- What was the cost of this system? - Just under 60 billion.
- Quite a bargain. - Sir!
Printout from GRAVSAT.
Let´s see. A transmission from the field. Your GLG-20s.
They confirm estimated arrival at the strike site
by 6.00pm their time tomorrow.
That´s 9.00am here. Right on schedule.
You can always count on our people.
Well, this is it.
Where are those contacts we heard about?
- They didn´t say where on the road. - No.
Maybe we should start hitchhiking.
We´re inside the Soviet Union.
l wish we hadn´t lost Boyer.
They were on horseback. We were on foot.
The Tadzhik Highway Patrol.
They were just sitting there in the dark.
They heard our conversation.
What are they saying?
He says we needn´t bother whispering any more.
Oome on. Let´s get out of here.
What do you mean? They´ll cut us down.
- We can´t go with them. - What other choice do we have?
lf we give up, the State Department can work out an exchange.
Not me.
Hi. Just me.
l was looking for the Burt Reynolds theatre.
Don´t l get a phone call?
Who do you intend to call?
Goddammit. Gives himself up.
- What is your objective? - My objective?
Well, l object to taking a girl out and buying her dinner,
and then she won´t put out for you.
Why are you here?
Why am l here?
Why are you here?
Why is anybody here? l think John-Paul Sartre once said...
How do you spell ´´Sartre´´? Ow!
And let that be a lesson to you!
Every minute you don´t tell us why you´re here, l cut off a finger.
- Mine or yours? - Yours.
Damn. Ow!
Why are you still hitting me? He´s gonna cut my fingers off.
You have 30 seconds.
- You gonna hum the theme to Jeopardy? - We start with the little one.
All right. All right. l´m an American agent.
- And? - And, uh... And, uh...
They sent me here to assassinate your premier.
l knew it. Pay up, comrade.
Let´s cut his fingers off anyway.
No. Let´s take him back to headquarters in Moscow.
Good move. Good move. Headquarters.
Shouldn´t be further. We´ve made good time.
We´ll go on foot from here.
[machine gun fire in distance]
Ow! Oh!
Whoa!
Oh!
Goddammit.
Whoa!
Ah! Oh!
Whoa.
Hi.
How ya doing?
Remember me?
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
They surprised us, border troops.
- Got my partner. - Did they get you too?
l´m fine!
No wonder neither of you could do that appendix operation.
- You´re spies like us. - You mean, you´re...
Austin Millbarge. l´m a GLG-20.
So.
You two are the other GLG-20s.
- The decoys. - Decoys!
Lower your voice.
That´s why they rushed us through training.
Why we were met by the KGB. Why they sent us into enemy hands.
- Right. - l am...
...pissed off.
- My partner and l were set up. - Forget it. That´s behind us.
Our first priority is to cover those bodies, establish a new base camp
- and complete this project. - Project?
Fitz-Hume is in the custody of Tadzhik Highway Patrol because of you.
The only project l have to complete is to get my partner out.
Fitz-Hume! Fitz-Hume!
Oome on!
Ow. Oh!
Look at this. Did you do that?
Yeah. l did that for you.
You know, l must really like you.
Oos l don´t like horses and l hate guns.
- What´s this? - You don´t want it!
Ah!
Duck.
l´ll get the horse.
Let´s go!
Hi-ho, Silver, away!
Whoo!
lt´s Soul Flnger by the Bar-Kays.
They must have trouble getting gigs.
Wow.
This is a Soviet lOBM site.
[Austin] That´s a SS-50 long-range rocket and mobile launcher.
They just moved it here. Haven´t put up their locator beacon.
They´re not hooked into Soviet Defence. They are radio-isolated.
Only three men.
And their mother.
Oh!
- Let me see that. - Hey!
- Oome on. - No.
Honestly. You two are unbelievable.
Wait a minute. What are we doing here?
This is our final objective.
Our project orders are to subdue the crew and seize control of this.
Hold it. We´re not going near that thing.
That missile is tipped with a 40-megaton nuclear warhead.
- Good night. - Where are you going?
- Home. - For once, l´m in complete agreement.
l think we should leave immediately. You know what those do?
Suck the paint off your house and give your family an orange Afro.
l don´t care what you two do. l´m fulfilling my obligation.
l intend to go down and seize control of that emplacement alone if l have to.
Wait. You know we´d do anything for you, but we can´t go and seize that rocket.
- We´d have to kill everybody. - l´m not killing anybody.
l´m not, either.
Gentlemen, l think you both should realise the gravity of this moment.
l have spent two and a half years of my life preparing for this penetration.
This afternoon, l buried my partner, Jerry Hadley,
perhaps the finest, most dedicated GLG-20 in the history of the Service.
He is now, forever, entombed in a snowy grave,
and it´s not gonna be for nothing!
We are here today to guarantee the personal freedom of every American.
And we should never forget the words of President John F Kennedy, who said:
´´Ask not what your country can do for you,
but what you can do for your country.´´
Will you marry me?
Now...
...these are high-compression tranquilizer pistols.
We´re not going to kill anybody.
But you´ve got to get in close to use them.
Hours: T-minus-two until designated target apogee.
[man] Sir, all air traffic has been diverted from our response corridor.
What´s our present online power reading?
Michigan reactor and Washington State atomic plants online.
Lock us in.
W.A.M.P. secure, sir.
All right.
Let´s go to response level yellow.
lnitiating level yellow.
Run your full servo and arm it.
Servo on and armed.
Soul Flngerl
Soul Flnger.
What´s she saying?
Hair... hairbrush... headrest...
Where did you learn your Russian, JO Penny?
When she was a child in Lithuania, her uncle used to tell a story
about strange beings that came down from a disc and stole an ox,
which the village had put aside for roasting.
l told you it would work. Everybody knows about UFOs.
Apparently, the aliens from the silver disc dissected the ox
and kept the best pieces of meat for themselves.
So what? So we owe them a cow.
Where do we get one?
Do what l do.
Satscram signal from the strike site.
Your GLG-20s have penetrated successfully and are awaiting a ´´go´´.
Open and lock down ground deflectors.
Ground deflectors open and locked.
OK, Dostoevsky, what does it say?
lt says, ´´Approach SS-50.
Source programmable.
Rocket.´´
Easy.
´´Find control box at front of transporter.´´
This is a snap.
´´For erector panel, push red button.
Depress red key switch.
- [buzzing] - Enter first numbered sequence.´´
- Go. - ´´Three-three-nine...
- [beeplng] - ...dash-two-five-nine...
- [beeplng] - ...dash-six.
Acknowledge compliance on Satscram now.´´
GLG-20s acknowledge programming and compliance.
Bring all birds into final bounce mode.
Bounce mode engaged.
Send them the go code.
´´Go with numbered sequence
seven-four-dash-seven-four
- dash-eight-eight-three - [moaning]
dash-five-dash-three.´´
Sat-Oom confirms an outbound blip from Soviet Oentral Asia.
lt´s on its way.
Override all sat alerts with stand-down orders for ten minutes.
Sat override code, entered.
Error. Stand down.
l think we just started World War lll.
She wants to know why we would do such a thing.
Tell her so do we.
What are they saying?
lt´s 4.47 am.
lt´ll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above its target,
somewhere inside the United States.
Twenty-eight minutes. That´s 1½8 until it´s inside US radar.
Figure two for our response.
Say, 20 until total commitment.
Figure 20, 22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike.
l figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilisation as we know it.
You, uh, wanna go out with a bang?
l beg your pardon!
Just an idea.
lf we were sitting in a bar, l´d throw a drink right in your face.
But under the circumstances,
it´s not such a bad idea.
[speaking Russian]
Release full pulse.
Three. Two.
One.
Mark.
Bounce pulse failed to connect with target, sir.
What are you saying, soldier?
- We missed it. - What?
We missed it. lt didn´t work.
Didn´t work? Where did the pulse go?
Don´t know, it didn´t connect with the inbound traffic.
- Wow. - Excellent.
- Let´s call the president. - We´re not calling.
What do you mean, not calling?
The president must know that this attack was not initiated by the Soviets.
We are prepared for this contingency.
What in hell do you intend to do? You understand that we are responsible
for launching a nuclear weapon against our country!
No one outside this command centre has that information.
When we commissioned the Schmectel Oorporation
to research this precise sequence scenario,
it was determined that the continual stockpiling of our nuclear arsenal
was becoming self-defeating.
A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
Sat-Oom confirms all defence systems commitment ready.
We have verification. The president is aboard the airborne command centre now.
lt will be a matter of minutes before the president commits to total release.
Jesus Ohrist.
You see, we had to show that we had the technical capability
and were determined.
History demonstrates conclusively that naive wishing for peace
is the surest possible way to encourage an aggressor.
Place me in communication with the president!
Relax, Mr Ruby.
This facility is more than adequately stocked for 1½ 7 months of existence.
We´ll be fine.
By your actions, you are risking the future of the human race!
To guarantee the American way of life,
l´m willing to take that risk.
lt´s been only 1½5 minutes since l destroyed the world.
ln another 1½5 minutes it´ll all be over.
Such a short time to destroy a world.
My high school guidance counsellor said l´d never amount to anything.
Just goes to show...
Guidance! Source programmable guidance!
Fitz-Hume! Boyer! Get up! Get up!
Oome on, come on, come on!
Fitz-Hume! Boyer!
What´s going on here? [gasping]
- You have a tent? - Bring the Satscram dish.
- l think we can recall it. - What do you mean?
Like a defective Pinto?
[speaking Russian]
Take this up. Up! Olimb... uh...
Grab a rock or grab a hammer.
We can divert it. lt´s made to respond to commands
- with our Sat-Relay Network. - A rock.
Go to the Satscram terminal.
- Now what? - Smash that thing.
- lt´s broken. - Bring it here.
Not the rock.
lt´s probably all over anyway.
No, no, no.
All we have to do is switch sending boards.
OK. Boyer, start sending the launch sequence in reverse order.
Yes, sir.
Fitz-Hume, hold these together.
Make the splice. Hold it together.
- Ow. l got a shock. - And you will.
l don´t care how painful it is. You´ve got to hold them.
- You are the bridge. - [zapplng]
B-b-but...
- l need, uh... - Ow! Ow!
- Bigger than a breadbox? - l need, uh...
The title of a movie?
An animal´s habitat? Title of a book?
Things that are round? That are square?
- Things that are being electrocuted? - Got it!
Miles, five.
Zero, zero...
- We did it! - We did?
We did it!
Oan l borrow your tent?
Sat-Oom confirms destruction of inbound at Zulu, 3,000 hours.
- What about the rest of their inbounds? - There are none.
Both US and Soviet response chain on full recall.
Damn.
Recall.
Place them under arrest. All of them.
Wait. We don´t know these men.
- We were kidnapped. - Right. Kidnapped.
- We were... on the street... - At the drive-in...
As the dlsarmament talks here contlnued
through closed sesslons last nlght and on lnto thls afternoon,
the feellng of posltlve antlclpatlon ls shared by everyone ln the press corps.
The doors to the conference room are openlng. l see the chlef US delegate,
Mr Emmett Fltz-Hume.
- Mr Fitz-Hume. - Hi, Ed.
Everybody at home is most anxious to know how things are going in there.
Right now we´re at an extremely sensitive juncture.
Of course, the slightest misperceived phrase or gesture
could upset everything we´ve achieved today.
- lf you´ll excuse me, Ed. - Thank you, Mr Fitz-Hume.
Thank you, Ed.
Mr Fitz-Hume, chief State Department negotiator
at the disarmament talks, re-entering what he has called
´´delicately balanced negotiations´´.
Oomrade.
OK.
´´What Little Richard song
was the title of a 1950s movie
starring Jayne Mansfield?´´
Good Golly Mlss Molly?
Great Balls of Flre?
Wrong! lt was The Glrl Can´t Help lt.
- Sorry. You lose. - Eastern Europe.
Eastern Europe.